I just saw a hot homeless man
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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