I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
