I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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