Your mouth is God's brothel.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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