you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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