I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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