The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize