How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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