A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
