I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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