So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
