just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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