I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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