I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize