We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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