sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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