Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
