I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
