The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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