I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize