My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
