i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize