I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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