Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
