I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
