Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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