so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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