I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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