the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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