Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
