I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
