I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
