Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
