It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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