My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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