From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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