It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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