Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
