I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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