She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
