when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
