I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
