the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
