ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize