i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
