he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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