You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just pee around me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
