ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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