Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
