woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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