I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
