I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
