I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
