There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
