I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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