I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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