was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
