So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
