I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
