my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
