Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
