the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
