Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
do herpes really smell.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
