it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
