Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Randomize
