When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
